Can Journaling heal Trauma Survivors?
Can a journal help trauma survivors? I hope so!
Rather, I know so!
A few years ago, I was in the thick of Domestic Violence. My ex-husbands verbal abuse had ramped up quickly. He went straight from love bombing to abuse just 4 months after our wedding. At the time, it felt slow and draining but in hindsight it was debilitatingly fast. I was also pregnant. If our marriage kicked off his abuse, my pregnancy took it to the next level.
At the time, I had no idea what verbal abuse was. I had no idea what “Narcissistic Abuse,” meant. I had no idea something so addicting could grow in me until I had seemingly no will to control it: Stockholm Syndrome + Trauma Bonding.
At the time, I had never heard of Complex PTSD. At the time, I could not imagine he could ever get worse. I couldn’t conceive a reality where he could be more intentionally cruel. At the time, I never thought he was capable of cheating on me or even lying to me. My naivete was one for the books! I was living in a world of delusion made entirely by the lies of a pathological liar.
Thank God I had no idea what the next 3 years of intense trauma would hold for me. I would have surely ended it all.
The ramifications of verbal abuse are roughly a mile long and I was experiencing each and every one with increasing intensity.
Victims are often plagued with depression, mood swings, lowered self-esteem, debilitating guilt, extreme loneliness, Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD), feelings of emptiness, trouble sleeping, inability to trust your own judgement or feelings, inability to perform simple tasks, feelings of worthlessness, misplaced guilt, complete isolation from family & friends, constant feelings of rejection from your partner, fear of rejection, paralyzing self-doubt & an overall sense of mental instability.
Beyond the physical addiction aspect of trauma bonding, I can personally attest to the mental, spiritual, physical annihilation of this type of abuse, you feel like the walking dead.
Things Took An Unexpected Turn…
A year earlier, I’d ordered my ex-husband a Desire Map Journal made by Danielle LaPorte. (I’m a big fan of Danielle & stan a lot of her work). I didn’t know who Danielle was. I’d seen an ad pop up for a cool looking journal & figured it was a fitting gift for an artsy-fartsy writer dude. On a whim, I got myself one too.
I’m pretty damn sure this one little decision changed my life forever.
I gave him his copy for his birthday just before we got married. A year had passed & I’d all but stopped using mine. Even though I’d I’d been a life-long journal lover the abuse had turned me inside out: I couldn’t find a way to enjoy or even attempt things I previously loved doing… journaling & reading especially.
One day my ex left his copy on the coffee table when he left for a 3 day work trip. Nosy AF, I sat down & read it cover to cover like a damn novel.
A few things stood out to me:
I was never mentioned by name. Not even on our wedding day. That day read: “my wedding day.” This stood in stark contrast to what I’d wrote on that day.
His gratitude lists, thoughts, ideas & dreams for his future did not include me at all. Not on a single day in a journal spanning a year. One bucket list item read: “have a great marriage,” but didn’t name me. A list of 100 items alluded to nothing more about our life together than this one sentiment which may not have been about our marriage after all.
Even his ideas around becoming a new father & having a family with our new daughter seemed to mysteriously leave me out all together as if I weren’t the one about to birth her.
Narcissistic abuse includes a painful phase called Devaluation. Devaluation is when the Narcissist no longer needs to hold up the good guy facade so they begin slow psychological torture of devaluing your existence while making you believe the abuse you endure is your fault.
Before I saw his journal I felt devalued. Now I had proof. The journal read as if I simply didn’t exist. I felt invisible. Gutted. Pain radiated from my heart into every part of my body. I cried for days. It was a reflection of what I all ready knew but was too afraid to admit: he didn’t love me anymore. In hindsight, I will acknowledge this… I don’t believe he loved me at all.
It was the revelation for me, y’all. For some reason these revelations inspired me to get into my own Desire Map Journal & begin again with renewed tenacity.
I was so aghast at how a man could go from idealizing me as the “greatest love of his life,” & “the only woman he ever truly loved,” to the putdowns, gaslighting, the mean comments, witholding all manner of intimacy (sex, kissing or even basic affection), inexplicably suddenly putting down my appearance and projecting his intense misogyny + anti-blackness on me… all of it such egregious emotional abuse in the span of 10 months since our wedding! 10 months! My head was f-cking spinning.
Needless to say… I was ready to get into my own truth. That was right around the time, I began to suspect there was another woman involved (there was) and I simply could not go another day taking his lies about me at face value.
The Pursuit of Truth
I truly believe humans can’t heal until we are ready. I share the aforementioned story because those particular circumstances are what made me feel ready to pursue the truth.
My ex was lying to me about myself -and black women in general- daily as if it were his part-time job. I may have trusted his insecure projections if he weren’t so gottdamb cruel but his cruelty sent me in a rabid frenzy for truth: who the fuck am I outside of this person? Am I a person, outside of this person? I was lost in the sauce.
I took to my Danielle LaPorte journal & started writing. And writing. And writing. I started answering her questions & prompts in full vivid detail. I started exploring her ideas of what my Core Desired Feelings were. Every single day I wrote something like “my core desired feeling is to feel loved. I wish my husband still loved me.” After 30 days or so, my core desired feelings were always the same: to feel loved, wanted, pursued & cared for. And the accompanying ache that I what I actually felt every day was: hated, unwanted, unloved & thrown out like trash.
I wrote out my gratitude lists at length. I filled in every prompt. And then something happened…
The Flip Switched
I’m honestly not sure when but at some point, the flip switched. I began eagerly looking forward to this time because I knew it was the only time of day when someone would be nice to me. It was the only time of day I felt safe, loved or wanted. The exploration of my core desired feelings in particular helped me to realize I wanted so much more for my life than to feel criticized & disregarded.
Eventually, I adapted these daily practices until I had a flourishing daily practice helping me get through each horrendous day until I experienced actual reprieve from the pain… roughly 5 years later.
To be sure, A LOT of things led to my healing in that 5 year time span, but NONE of that would have been possible without my having sat my ass down and wrote out those core desired feelings, gratitude lists & affirmation statements. It was the self-care act that launched a 1,000 more.
I remain ever so grateful to Danielle LaPorte for her work in being a catalyst to my healing & indeed my survival.
I’m nearly 2 yrs. out from that moment of reprieve. The moment when I realized that finally everything didn’t hurt from the innards of my soul to the bottom of my feet. Which led me to my next step…
A Journal Exclusively for Trauma Survivors!
Coming soon!
A daily, prompted, self-guided journal for trauma & grief survivors needing help with emotional regulation, learning to heal through basic mindfulness techniques & claiming (or reclaiming) liberation!
As I mentioned in this Instagram post, this journal compiles all the best of the prompts & exercises that have worked for me. This is not a magic bullet. This is not the only way to get at healing. These are not complicated practices. These are simple mindfulness activities that when done over & over again can rewire your brain in helpful ways.
Stay tuned! The Trauma Survivors journal will be available as a PDF download here in my shop, or on paperback or ebook on Amazon.
I pray it helps & heals!
Love,
grace
